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Maiden No More 6

不再是处女 6

It was a Sunday morning in late October about four months after Tess's arrival at Trantridge ，and a few weeks after the night ride in The Chase． Carrying a heavy basket and bundle， Tess was walking towards the hills which divided her from the Vale，her place of birth． The scenery and people on this side were very different from those in her village．Marlott people mainly thought and travelled northward and westward， while on this side people were interested in the east and the south． She walked up the same hill which d’Urberville had driven down so wildly that June day．On reaching the top of the hill，Tess paused and looked for a long time at the familiar green world of home．It was always beautiful from here，but since she had last seen it，her view of life had changed．She had learnt that wickedness exists，even where there is beauty，and now she could hardly bear to look down into the Vale．

这是10月末的一个星期天的上午，苔丝来到纯瑞脊已有四个来月，距离骑马到逐猎林那个晚上也有几个星期了。挎着一个沉重的篮子和包袱，苔丝正朝那些把她与她出生所在的山谷分开的山峦走去。这边的风土人情与她村里的大不相同。马勒特村的人们主要想着往北部和西部迁移，而这边的人们感兴趣的是东部和南部。她正向一个山头爬去，6月的一天，就是在这座山头，德伯曾疯狂地急驰而下。到达山顶后，苔丝停下了脚步，久久地凝望着家乡熟悉的绿色世界。从这儿看上去，它总是那么美，但是自从她上次见到它以后，她对生活的看法已经改变了。她已经懂得邪恶是存在的，哪怕是在很美的地方。现在她几乎无法再往下看山谷了。

Then she looked behind her and saw a carriage coming up the same hill that she had just climbed，with a man leading the horse．Soon he caught up with her．

她往身后看了看，发现一辆马车正朝着她爬过的同一座山驶上来，车上有一个人在赶着马。很快他就赶上了她。

‘Why did you slip away in secret like that？’ asked d’Urberville breathlessly．‘I've been driving like mad to catch up with you．Just look at my horse！You know nobody would have prevented you from going．I'm going to drive you the rest of the way， if you won't come back with me．

“为什么你要这样偷偷地溜走？”德伯上气不接下气地问道，“为了追上你，我像疯了似地赶车。看看我的马吧！你知道没有人会阻止你走的。如果你不愿和我回去的话，剩下的路让我送你走。”

‘I won't come back，’she said quietly． ‘I thought so！Well，let me help you up．Give me your basket．’

“我不愿回去。”她轻轻地说。

She stepped up into the carriage and sat beside him．She had no fear of him now．The reason for this was also the reason for her sorrow． They drove along，d’Urberville making conversation and Tess thinking her own thoughts．When they approached the village of Marlott a tear rolled down her cheek．

“我知道你会这么说的！那好，让我帮你上车吧，把篮子递给我。”

‘Why are you crying？’he asked coldly．

她登上马车，坐在他身旁。现在她已经不怕他了。不怕的原因也正是她痛苦的原因。车子往前驶着，德伯说着话，苔丝想着自己的心事。当他们临近马勒特村时，一滴泪珠从她的面颊上滚落下来。

‘I was only thinking I was born over there．’

“为什么要哭？”他冷冷地问道。

‘Well， we must all be born somewhere．’

“我只是在想，我出生在那儿。”

‘I wish I had never been born，there or anywhere else！’she said quietly．

“嗯，我们都是要出生在某个地方的。”

‘Well，you shouldn't have come to Trantridge if you didn't want to You didn't come for love of me， anyway．’

“我希望我从没出生过，不论是在那儿还是在别的任何地方！”她轻声说。

‘That's quite true．If I had ever loved you，if I loved you still，I could not hate myself for my weakness as much as I do now．’

“哦，如果你不愿意你就不应该到纯瑞脊来。反正，你也不是因为爱我才来的。”

He did not look at her．

“一点儿不错。如果我曾经爱过你，如果我仍然爱着你，我就不会像现在这么恨自己的软弱无能了。”

She added，‘I didn't understand your intention until it was too late．’

他没有看她。

‘That's what every woman says．’

她继续说道：“当我明白了你的企图时，已经太晚了。”

‘How dare you say that！’she cried angrily， her eyes flashing at him．‘My God！I could hit you！Did you never think that some women may not only say it but feel it？’

“每个女人都这么说。”

‘All right，’he said laughing，‘I am sorry to hurt you．I did wrong—I admit it．Only don't keep accusing me．I am ready to pay for it．You need never work on the farms again．’

“你怎么敢这么说！”她愤怒地叫道，眼冒怒火地瞪着他。“天哪，我会揍你的！难道你从没想过，有些女人不仅这么说，还真地这样感觉吗？”

Her lip lifted slightly as she replied，‘I will not take anything from you！I cannot！’

“好吧，”他笑着说，“伤害了你我很抱歉。我做错了事——我承认。只是不要再没完没了地谴责我了。我是准备付出代价的，你再也不用到农场干活了。”

‘One would think you were a queen as well as being one of the real d’Urbervilles！ Well，Tess dear，I suppose I'm a bad sort of man． I've always been one， and I always will be one． But I promise I won't be bad to you again． And if anything should happen—you understand—if you are in any trouble or need anything，just drop me a line and I'll send by return whatever you want．’

她的嘴唇稍稍撅起，回答道：“我不会从你那儿拿任何东西的！我不会的！”

She stepped down from the carriage and was going to leave him，when he stopped her and said，‘You're not going to turn away from me like that，dear？Gome，let me kiss you！’

“人们会认为你是个王后，就像认为你是一个真正的德伯家族的人一样！哦，亲爱的苔丝，我想我大概是个坏人。我一直是个坏人，将来也一直会是。但是我保证再也不对你做什么坏事了。如果有任何事情发生——你明白——如果你遇到任何麻烦或需要任何东西，来封短信就行了，我会送来你想要的任何东西。”

‘If you wish，’she answered coldly． She offered her cool cheek to him，but her eyes rested on a distant tree as if the kiss had nothing to do with her．

她从车上迈下来，正准备离他而去，他拦住了她，说道：“亲爱的，你不会就这样离开我了，是吗？来，让我吻你一下！”

‘You don't give me your lips，Tess． I'm afraid you'll never love me．’

“如果你想这样的话，”她漠然地答道。她向他仰起了冰凉的脸颊，目光却停留在远处的一棵树上，仿佛这亲吻跟她丝毫不相干似的。

It's true． I have never loved you，and I never can．’She added sadly，‘Perhaps I should tell a lie and then I could lead a comfortable life．But I have enough honour not to tell that lie．If I loved you，I might have a very good reason to tell you so．But I don't．’

“你没有把你的唇递过来，苔丝。恐怕你永远不会爱上我。”

Alec sighed heavily，as if this scene were depressing him．

“是的，我从来没有爱过你，也永远不会爱上你。”她又伤心地加上一句：“也许我该撒个谎，这样我的日子就会好过了。但是我还有足够的自尊，不撒那个谎。如果我爱过你，我会有很好的理由告诉你，但是我没有。”

‘well，you're very sad，Tess，and you have no reason to be．You're still the prettiest girl for miles around． Will you come back with me？ Say you will！’

亚历克沉重地叹了口气，好像这一席话令他很沮丧。

‘Never，never！I've made up my mind， and I won't come．’

“嗨，苔丝，你很伤心。你这样是没有理由的。你仍是方圆数里内最漂亮的姑娘。你愿意回到我身边吗？说你愿意！”

‘Then goodbye！’and Alec jumped up into his carriage and drove off．

“不，不愿！我已经下定决心了，永远不会回去的。”

Tess did not watch him go，but continued her walk alone． It was still early in the day and the sun was not yet giving any warmth．Tess felt even sadder than the autumn sadness which surrounded her．

“那么，再见！”亚历克跳上马车，驾车走了。

But soon a man came up behind her，a man with a pot of red paint in his hand．

苔丝没有看着他离开，只管一个人继续走着。现在还很早，太阳射出的光芒尚未有一丝暖意。悲凉的秋意笼罩着她，而她觉得自己的内心更加哀伤。

‘Good morning，’he said， and offered to carry her basket．

但很快有个人从她后面赶了上来，手里提着一罐红色的颜料。

‘You're up early on a Sunday，’he continued．

“早上好！”他说，并提出帮她提篮子。“你在星期天起得可够早的。”他继续说道。

‘Yes，’said Tess．

“是啊，”苔丝说。

‘A day of rest for most people， although I do more real work today than in the rest of the week put together．’

“这是大多数人休息的日子。但我在这一天做的真正工作，比一星期的其余六天加在一块儿还多。”

‘Do you？’

“是吗？”

‘In the week I work for man，but on Sunday I work for God．That's better work，don't you think？ Wait a moment，I have something to do here．’He stopped at a gate， and in large red letters on the middle bar of the gate he painted some words from the Bible：

“别的日子我为人们工作，但星期天我为上帝工作。这是一种更好的工作，你不觉得吗？等一下，在这儿我有点儿事要做。”他在一个大门前停了下来，并用很大的红字在门中间的栏杆上刷上《圣经》中的几个字：

PUNISHMENT AWAITS YOU

惩罚等着你

In the soft air，against the gentle green of the trees and the peaceful fields， these great red words stared at Tess． They pointed a finger at her．This man was a stranger and could not know her story， but the words accused her．

在柔和的空气里，在嫩绿的树木和宁静的田野的包围中，这些大红字在盯着苔丝，它们在指责她。刷字的只不过是个陌生人，他并不知道她的经历，但这些红字在谴责她。

‘Do you believe what you paint？’she asked in a low voice．

“你相信你刷的那些话吗？”苔丝轻轻地问道。

‘Do I believe those words？Do I believe I am alive！’

“你问我相信那些话吗？就跟相信我活着一样！”

‘But，’she whispered，trembling，‘suppose you were forced to do wrong？’

“但是，”她的声音很低，有些发颤，“假如你是被迫做错了事呢？”

He shook his head．‘I can't answer that question．I paint the words and leave others to think about them in their own hearts．’

他摇了摇头：“我无法回答这个问题。我刷写这些话是留给人们用他们自己的心灵去思考的。”

‘I think they are horrible words！’cried Tess．‘I'll take my basket and go on now， and she walked away from him，her heart beating fast．‘I don't believe God said those things！’she thought，as she reached her village．

“我认为这些话很可怕！”苔丝喊道。“给我篮子吧，我要走了。”她从他身边走开了，心在剧烈地跳动着。当她到达村子时，她想：“我相信上帝是不会那样说的！”

There was smoke coming from her father's chimney， but seeing the inside of the cottage made her heart ache．It was as poor as ever．Her mother jumped up，surprised to see her．

家里的烟囱冒着烟，但屋子里面的情景让她觉得心痛。这儿还像过去一样贫穷。见到她，母亲觉得很奇怪，急忙站了起来。

‘Well，my dear Tess!’she said，kissing her．‘How are you？ Have you come home to be married？’

“哦，我亲爱的苔丝！”她一边说，一边吻着她。“你好吗？你是要回来结婚的吗？”

‘No， not for that， mother．’

“不，不是为那个，妈。”

‘What，isn't your cousin going to marry you？’

“什么，难道你表哥不打算跟你结婚吗？”

‘He's not my cousin， and he's not going to marry me．’

“他不是我的表哥，他也不会跟我结婚的。”

Her mother looked at her closely．‘Come，you haven't told me everything．’

她的母亲关切地看着她。“过来，你还什么都没跟我说呢。”

Then Tess went up to her mother，put her head on Joan's shoulder，and told her the whole story．

苔丝走近母亲，把自己的头靠在琼的肩上，把事情的来龙去脉都告诉了她。

‘And you haven't persuaded him to marry you！’cried Joan． ‘What's the good of going there？ Why didn't you think of doing some good for your family instead of thinking only of yourself？’

“而你没有说服他跟你结婚！”琼叫道，“那去那儿有什么好处？你为什么不能想想为家里做点儿好事，而不是只考虑你自己呢？”

Tess was confused． Alec had never mentioned marriage to her．But even if he had，she would never have accepted him， because she did not love him．This made her hate herself for what she had done．She would certainly never love him in the future． She did not quite hate him， but did not wish to marry him，even to remain respectable．

苔丝很迷惑。亚历克从来没有提过要跟她结婚。而即便他提过，她也永远不会接受他的，因为她不爱他。这一点让她为自己所做的事而恨自己。将来她当然也不会爱上他的。她并不十分痛恨他，但她不想跟他结婚，哪怕是为了维护自己的尊严。

‘You ought to have been more careful if you didn't want to marry him！’

“如果你不愿嫁给他，你就应该更小心才是！”

‘Oh mother！’cried the poor girl，her heart breaking．‘Why didn't you warn me about men？I was a child when I left home！I didn't know how dangerous they can be，and you didn't tell me！’

“哦，妈妈！”可怜的女孩哭道，她的心碎了。“为什么以前你没警告我要提防男人？我离开家的时候还只是一个孩子！我不知道他们会有多危险，你并没有告诉我！”

‘Well，we must make the best of it，’said her mother．‘It's only human nature， after all．’

“嗯，我们必须尽量往好处想。”她母亲说，“毕竟，这只不过是人类的天性。”

That afternoon the little cottage was full of Tess's friends， girls who lived in the village and who had missed her while she had been away．They whispered to each other that Tess was sure to marry that handsome gentleman．Fortunately Tess did not hear them．She joined in their laughing and talking，and for a short time almost forgot her shame．

那天下午，小屋里坐满了苔丝的朋友。她不在的时候，这些村里的姑娘们都非常想她。她们在私下里互相说，苔丝一定会嫁给那位英俊的先生的。很幸运，苔丝没有听到她们说的话。她加入到她们的欢声笑语中，在这段短暂的时间里，她几乎忘却了自己的耻辱。

But the next day was Monday，the beginning of the working week， when there were no best clothes and no visitors．She awoke with the innocent children asleep around her，she who had lost her innocence． She looked into her future，and grew very depressed． She knew she had to travel on a long，stony road， without help or sympathy． She had nothing to look forward to，and she wanted to die．

但第二天就是星期一了，一周的工作又开始了。这天人们不会穿最好的衣服，也不会有人拜访。苔丝在一群睡在她身边的天真无邪的孩子们中醒来，她自己却已失去了贞节。想到今后的日子，她变得非常忧郁。她知道她要走上一段漫长、坎坷的旅程，得不到帮助也得不到同情。她对未来心灰意冷，她想死去。

In the next few weeks， however， she became more cheerful， and went to church one Sunday morning． She loved listening to the well－known tunes， and gave herself up to the beauty of the music．She wondered at the composer's power． From the grave he could make a girl like her， who had never known him，feel extremes of emotion． She sat in a quiet，dark corner listening to the service．But when the village people arrived at church they noticed her and started whispering to each other．She knew what they were saying and realized she could come to church no more．

然而接下来的几个星期，她变得稍稍振作一点了。一个星期天的上午，她去了教堂。她喜欢听那些熟悉的旋律，沉浸在那美妙的音乐中。她对作曲家的力量感到惊叹。他虽已在坟墓当中，却能让一个像她这样与他素不相识的姑娘感受无限的激情。她坐在一个安静、黑暗的角落里，倾听基督仪式和音乐。但是当村子里的人们来到教堂后，他们注意到了她并窃窃私语起来。她知道他们在说什么，同时知道自己今后再也不能来教堂了。

So she spent almost all her time in her bedroom，which she shared with the children． From here she watched the wind， the snow，the rain，beautiful sunsets and full moons，one after another．People began to think she had gone away． She only went out after dark， to walk in the woods and the fields． She was not afraid of the dark or the shadows； it was people she was anxious to avoid． She was at home on the lonely hills， but she felt guilty surrounded by innocent nature． When it rained， she thought nature was crying at her weakness，and when the midnight wind blew she thought nature was angry with her．But she did not realize that although she had broken an accepted social rule， she had done nothing against nature． She was as innocent as the sleeping birds in the trees，or the small field animals in the hedges．

因此，她把自己整天关在这间与其他孩子们共有的卧室里。在这儿，她看刮风，看下雪，看雨点飘洒，看美丽的日落，还有一轮又一轮的满月。人们渐渐以为她外出了。只有在天黑以后，她才会出来，到树林里和田野上走走。她不怕黑暗和阴影，她极力想避开的只是人群。在孤寂的山上她感到自在，但被纯净的大自然包围时，她又有一种负罪感。下雨时，她会想到是大自然在为她的软弱而哭泣；而午夜的狂风又让她觉得大自然在生她的气。她没有意识到，虽然她触犯了一条公认的社会戒律，但她却从没违反过自然。她就像树林里熟睡的鸟儿或树篱下的田间小动物一样清白无辜。