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Great Expectations

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12 Pip discovers the truth

While Estella lived in London，staying with friends of Miss Havisham's，I often visited her．She had an endless stream of admirers，and I was jealous of all of them．I never had an hour's happiness with her，but I still thought about her，day and night，and my dearest wish was to marry her．Several times Miss Havisham ordered me to bring Estella to visit her，and of course I always obeyed．Estella was as proud and cold as ever，with her admirers，with Miss Havisham and with me．

One man who admired her and followed her everywhere was the unpleasant Bentley Drummle．One day I asked her about him．

‘Estella，why do you encourage someone like Drummle？You know very well he's stupid，and nobody likes him．’

‘Don't be foolish，Pip，’she answered．‘Perhaps I encourage him because that has a certain effect on the others．’

‘But he isn't worth it！’I cried angrily．

‘What difference does it make？’she answered tiredly．‘If I smile at him，it's because it means nothing to me．You should be glad that I don't give you false looks or smiles．At least I am always honest with you．’

But while my heart was aching for Estella，I had no idea that I would soon be hit by a disaster which would completely destroy my hopos and dreams．The chain of events which had begun before I ever met her was slowly reaching its end．

Herbert and I had moved to rooms in a house by the river，in the Temple area．One evening he was abroad on business and I was alone at home，reading．It was terrible weather，stormy and wet，with deep mud in the streets．The wind rushing up the river shook the whole building，and the rain beat violently against the windows．As I closed my book at eleven o’clock，I heard a heavy footstep on the stairs．When I went to the door with my lamp，I saw a man coming slowly upstairs．He was wearing rough clothes，and he was about six－ty，with a brown face and long grey hair．But what really surprized me was that he was holding out both hands to me．

‘Can I help you？’I asked politely but coldly．

‘Ah！Yes，’he said，dropping his hands，‘yes，I'll explain．’He came into the sitting－room，where he looked round admiringly at my furniture and books．He held out his hands to me again，but I refused to take them．Then he sat down heavily in a chair，and rubbed his eyes with one rather dirty hand．

‘You see，’he said，‘it's disappointing．Looked forward to this day for so long，I have．But it's not your fault．I'll explain．Is there anybody near who can hear us？’

‘Why do you，a stranger，visiting me late at night，ask that question？’I asked．And then suddenly I knew who he was！In spite of the years that had passed，I was sure he was my convict！ And when he held out his hands again，this time I took them．He raised my hands to his lips and kissed them．

‘You helped me all those years ago，Pip！Never forgotten it！’He seemed to want to put his arms around me，but I stopped him．

‘If you are grateful to me for what I did in my childhood，I hope you have improved your way of life now．It wasn't necessary to come here to thank me．But you must understand that．…’I stopped speaking as I noticed how strangely he was staring at me．

‘What must I understand？’he asked，his eyes fixed on me．

‘That I don't wish to be your friend．You and I met once in the past，but now our lives are separate．Will you have a drink before you leave？’As I handed him a glass of rum，I noticed that his eyes were full of tears．‘I'm sorry if that sounds hard，’l added．‘I didn't mean it to be．Good luck in the future！’We drank together．‘How have you been living recently？’

‘I was sent to Australia，you know，because I escaped from the prison-ship．After several years I finished my punishment， and so I was allowed to work for myself．I did every kind of job there．It was a hard life，but I made a lot of money．’

‘I'm glad to hear it，’I said．‘That reminds me，I must give you back the two pounds you sent me．I don't need it now．’And I handed him two new pound notes from my purse．Still watching me，he held them near the lamp until they caught fire．

‘May I ask，’he said，‘how you have done so well，since you and I met on those lonely marshes？’His eves were still fixed on mine，and I began to tremble．

‘I－I've been chosen to inherit a fortune，’I whispered．

‘Perhaps I can guess how much，’said the convict．‘Could it be，well，five hundred pounds a year？’I stood up，holding on to the back of my chair，my heart beating like a hammer．

‘The agent who arranged it all，’he continued．‘was he perhaps a lawyer，name of Jaggers？’

Suddenly I realized the awful truth．I could not speak nor breathe，and fell on to the sofa．He brought his fierce old face close to mine，and bent over me．

‘Yes，Pip，dear boy， I've made a gentleman of you！You see，I promised myself that all the money I earned out there in Australia should go to you！I'm your second father，Pip！I'm not a gentleman myself，and I didn't go to school，but I've got you，Pip！And look what a gentleman you are！And what books you've got！ You'll read them to me，Pip！And I'll be proud of you even if I can't understand them！Didn't you ever think it could be me who was sending the money？’

‘Oh no，no，no，’I replied．‘Never，never！Wasn't any－one else involved at all？’

No，just me，and Jaggers，of course．Who else could there be？Dear boy，I kept myself going，you see，through all the hard work，just by thinking of you．And I promised myself I'd come back to England one day，and see my boy．’He laid his band on my shoulder．‘Now you must find a bed for me，’he added，‘and remember，not a word to anybody．I was sent away for life，and they'll hang me if they discover I've come back．’

My feelings were horribly confused．The man who had paid for my education and luxuries for years was risking his life to see me．I could not like him，in fact my whole body trembled with disgust when he touched me，but I had to protect him．

He went to sleep in Herbert's room．After locking all the doors carefully，I sat weakly down by the fire and tried to make sense of my life．How foolish my dreams had been！ Miss Havisham had never intended to make me rich，or let me marry Estella．But there was something worse than that．It was for this convict，who could be caught and hanged at any moment，that I had deserted Joe．I could never，never，never forgive myself for that．